( Drawn under 4mg. of Dilaudid )
" ...today we live in a narcissistic and obsessive culture,
totally overflowing with drugs. And as an artist I am the filter... "
Bryan Lewis Saunders is an artist without any doubt --- when he creates things, people break down and cry. In short, he is a great leader of catharsis and true emotional expression in a modern world of nervous silence.
Although Saunders is renowned mostly for his spoken word poetry, he has earned himself a fair deal of notoriety with one specific project of his - testing and artistically showing the effects of various illicit substances. Each day, through a series of self portraits, Bryan Lewis Saunders opens a new chemical doorway - and sketches his visions and experiences of the unknown pleasures that lie waiting beyond.
dinosaurcity had the chance to sit down with Bryan Lewis Saunders and discuss his personal tribulations with this project. This is the transcript:
How old are you?
BLS: Almost 42.
Where are you from?
BLS: I was born in Washington D.C. but I've lived in Tennessee off and on for so long that I tell people that I'm from there.
What led to the decision to start these self-portraits under the influence of various drugs?
BLS: Well
I've drawn/painted at least one self portrait every day since March
30th of 1995 and on some days I experiment with drugs. However, the
drug series itself began in 2000 when I moved into an 11 story building
with the idea that I would make a documentary on all of the interesting
characters there. The building, is well known in Johnson City for its
creeps and loonies.
After moving in, one of my good friends Jennifer
Renfro, from art school purchased an old church nearby and was turning
it into a house to live in. While finishing the downstairs flooring she
died in her sleep when it caught fire.
The day after her funeral my
best friend Don Morgan, also from art school, shot himself in the head,
in one temple and out the other with a Russian .32 and survived!
Unfortunately he ended up with severe brain damage and permanent
confusion. While he was still in the hospital my right lung collapsed
for the third time (spontaneous pneumothorax), and I had a lobectomy in
which they removed the top half of my lung to prevent it from collapsing
again.
Meanwhile my other best friend, Brandon Bragg, was on the
Appalachian Trail Thru-Hiking from GA to ME. experiencing great and
wonderful things in nature. Once I myself got out of the hospital and
Don was sent to a nursing home, Brandon was hiking in nearby Damascus,
VA and convinced me to continue the journey with him. I had never been
hiking before and with only 1 1/2 lungs I put my life in his hands.
It
was incredible. I had 5 pounds of art supplies with me! Every day I
saw tons of beautiful things in nature. I'm from the city and so every
new kind of bark I saw, or toadstool, or wild animal gave me such a rich
wealth of phenomenon to draw and see myself in a totally different
world. That experience was truly miraculous and healing. (To this day
that book is my favorite of all of the self-portrait books.)
( Huffing Lighter Fluid )
Anyway,
back to the drugs.
While Brandon and I were hiking one day he asked me,
"Whatever happened with that documentary you were going to make with
the veterans and the loonies?"
And I told him how everything had
happened so fast with the tragedies and how I thought the people would
be really interesting to document, but in fact they were all on drugs,
suffering in solitude, some too obese to physically leave their
apartment, and for many it was all they could do to get out of their
recliners 3 times a day. And I told him how when I first moved in, a
paraplegic in a wheelchair showed me an encyclopedia of pills and said
he could find at least one of every kind of pill in that book in the
building and that book was huge!
When Brandon and I got to NY, I
unknowingly became very dehydrated and started hallucinating and had a
psychotic break and ditched him at a monastery because I thought he was
trying to poison me. I took the greyhound straight back to Tennessee
where I had an epiphany. I thought not only am I going to draw myself
everyday, I'm going to do a different drug everyday, after all there was
one of everything in the building...
And that was when I officially
started the project.
What were your favorite substances consumed? What were the worst?
BLS: Xanax
(totem poles - 4mg) would probably be one of my favorites. It made me
feel real at peace with life and with the trauma, and it also made me a
real social dynamo! I'm sort of a recluse but with the Xanax I could
just walk up and talk to total strangers! The Butane Honey Oil was a
real blast too!
The worst is a toss up between PCP and Seroquel (heavy
tranquilizer/anti-psychotic agent) 100 mg. I went to a doctor to
hopefully get more different drugs and told him about my project and
showed him my pictures on various drugs and he only wrote one
prescription for 90 Seroquels thinking I was psychotic for taking such
an undertaking and it was awful!
I always saw the lion in Africa on TV
with the hurt foot getting shot with a tranquilizer dart and assumed
that that lion was woozy and in lala land! Boy was I wrong. In
reality, that lion actually wants to tear out those people's throats
with awe inspiring savagery but it just can't move. At least that is
how the Seroquel did me. It's a long story but as you can see from the
drawing I had to fight against its effects, and it took every ounce of
strength I had!
( Ladies and gentlemen, PCP! )
The PCP was just as bad. Any drugs that detach your mind from your body
I don't care for too much. The PCP day I ate a ham sandwich with
tomatoes in it and people kept knocking on my door asking if they could
look at my Appalachian Trail self-portraits and I'd get to telling about
20 people at a time all of my hiking stories and showing them all of my
drawings and then all of sudden someone would whisper, "Bryan, these
people aren't real." And I would flip the hell out! Because even the
person that whispered that wasn't real. And then there would be another
knock at the door and more people would come in wanting to see my
pictures and they too weren't real.
What's crazy is, my friend Audra
said that she really did knock on my door and could hear me talking in
there but I wouldn't answer it. It was all I could do to draw myself
vomiting on PCP, and each time I heaved my face shifted off in stages
and red clumpy chunky stuff kept coming out of my nose. I thought my
brain was hemorrhaging, but it turned out it was just tomato from my
sandwich. Thankfully.
Before the self-portraits, how experienced were you with
these substances? Were there any you did the first time with these
experiments?
BLS: I've always experimented with drugs to
some extent, and when I was much younger I had a couple of seizures on
cocaine binges, but many of them were new to me. Most of the pills were
new and some of the huffing.
People that don't 'really' know me often
think I'm a party animal because of this body of work, but in truth I
will only do a drug for the drawing/experience and if I've never done it
before. Some drugs I have already done, but it was before I began
drawing myself every day so I'll do it again under the influence.
( 2mg. of Xanax )
I've
snorted Heroin several times, but I've never done a drawing on Heroin
because I haven't had the opportunity since I started the project. I
only do drugs that people donate to the project. All all that I really
care about is how drugs change my perception of the self. As the
scientist and the 'lab rat' I often have to wait to be in the perfect
place in life and in the perfect frame of mind and in the right
environment with the right people or alone which can take months
sometimes to get all of that aligned. I do this to drastically limit
possible outside factors that may complicate the self-perception.
From an artist's perspective, what drugs have been the most useful for you?
BLS: I
would say none of them were very 'useful' outside of just sharing a one
time unique experience. Adderall did seem to give me a lot of patience
and focus, but I wouldn't say it was more useful than Salvia which I
started drawing right before taking and finished by painting right
after.
Even I, who has conditioned myself to draw while in a drunken
blackout and not remember it, still can't draw when completely
obliterated or on a different planet, so I try not to overdo it. The
act of drawing is much more useful than any drug.
( The artist, having snorted a 10mg. Lortab )
On your website, you mention that you became "lethargic and
suffered mild brain damage" because of this experiment - can you
elaborate on the after effects?
BLS: Well, in the beginning I
got carried away and became enamored with the uniqueness of how the
different drugs made me see myself and how each one had its own special
quality. And after a few days or so the excitement was really building
up in me, As to were the different drugs. And as soon as the effects of
one would wear off I'd just do another one without thinking about any
harm I was causing myself.
And then when the word got out about the
project people started really showing up at my door with all kinds of
stuff, I mean really cleaning out their medicine cabinets for me. So
the day after someone showed up with 2 bottles of Robotussin and a can
of lighter fluid.
My friend Audra saw my pictures and the breaking down
of my mental state and said, "Look! Bryan! You're giving yourself
Down Syndrome!" (to put it nicely). And sure enough I had been mixing
the wrong drugs with each other for days and gave my self mild-brain
damage without even knowing it. Luckily not permanent and thankfully
she was there to even spot it. It was quite some time before I tried a
new drug again.
( The onset of two Psilocybin Mushroom caps )
Are these experiments still going?
BLS: Yep,
the drawing still goes on. Never missing a day. Just finishing up my
89th book of self-portraits and quickly approaching 8,000 in all.
Not
all of them on drugs of course, but from time to time when the situation
presents itself and an interested party donates a new one I'll do it.
But only on my own terms, like I said everything has to be just right I
only do it for the drawing.
What's next? Where's the acid?
BLS: As far as acid goes, I've tried acid 3 times in NE Tennessee and all 3
times it was really crappy. Nothing like the U.V.A. acid in the mid
eighties. People here say, "I did 8 of 'em. I took 4. I did 6 of
'em.". And I'm like, "If one doesn't do it for you, why take 7 more?
That's ignorant!"
As for what's next, it all depends on what people
give me. I don't seek them out and there are still plenty of big ones I
need to draw under the influence of; Heroin, LSD, DMT, Computer Duster,
Ayahuasca, Peyote and I don't want to die until I do a self-portrait on
Crack. You see today we live in a narcissistic and obsessive culture,
totally overflowing with drugs. And as an artist I am the filter.
Picasso and Matisse got it right when one of them said, "Cézanne is the
father of us all." It's not a stretch by any means to say, "On some
days, my brain chemistry is my vantage point and my face is his Mont
Sainte-Victoire."
( The artist, having snorted 15mg of Buspar )
For people interested in this particular body of work, my Facebook
has the best and most up to date collection of drawings under the
influence. And I'm a weird person, and I'm way more well known for other
stuff besides the drawings and drugs...
To look more into the world of Bryan Lewis Saunders, please visit his website.
51 comments:
Wow. As a 42 year old PRODUCTIVE member of society, let me just say:
Please continue taking weird combinations of drugs. You, sir, are the chimpanzee who wanders off from the group and eats the things you are natured and nutured not to eat, and eventually gets thinned from the herd. Soon, the other chimps will no longer be burdened with feeding and caring for you and society will march on, forgetting your self-absorbed obsession of looking in a mirror while you devolve while everyone else moves forward.
Anon, whatever it is that you're "producing" for society, I'm sure Saunders' works will far outlast any "contribution" you're making.
Please go back to your mindless desk job and stick to Thomas Kinkade for your art.
Amazing work
To Anon, you sir, are the chimpanzee who gets left behind, because you're too afraid to carry on.
I don't care much for drugs, seeing the effects on people around me, but this experiment is really interesting. The effect of different drugs on the brain is sometimes so drastic...
you're amazing man, seriously. i admire everything you've done and the reason why you're doing it and i think all of that is super cool.
@Anon (you know which one): There is no such thing as thinning of the herd when it comes to people. However, there is such a thing as "internet douchebaggery," which you, sir, are doing quite well. I've never done an illegal drug in my life, nor do I particularly endorse the methods used to produce these portraits, but the work is very interesting... if you're going to shit all over someone's work, at least you can offer the man a wet wipe, douchebag.
I'd love to see one on Ecstasy, or maybe 2C-T-2. This is a really cool project, it's really crazy that drugs define the moment to moment self-perceptions for so many of us.
to the first anonymous, the old world monkeys that tried new foods, ie. mushrooms under animal shit, were probably the ones who evolved and expanded their thinking. I love this idea of self portraits on drugs, I would love to see one with the artist on dmt.
the one he did on cocaine really scared the shit out of me.
you can see the aggression that the coke brings out in people.
Its cool...but also very stupid. You sit around all day do drugs and paint? Then maybe you do deserve brain damage. Drugs are powerful and have ruined my life and Im not the one who was even doing them!"experiment"... right. Or just a great excuse to try all the different types of drugs.
I don't believe he actually took these drugs. Having a "small glass of absinthe" wouldn't do ANYTHING. Contrary to popular belief, it is not hallucinogenic. It would be like having a beer or two.
Also, the high from nitrous oxide lasts less than 5 minutes --- sometimes only one minute --- which isn't nearly long enough to produce a drawing.
I think this was a great theme ... but I think it's also either somewhat, or completely, made up.
As someone very interested in the effects of drugs on perception but one who is completely a control freak and who is terrified, your art gives me a glimpse that I would never be able to understand. I think the art is amazing and the focus to even attempt it while on some of those drugs equally amazing. I had some medication once while getting a procedure done and couldn't even maintain basic composure let alone try to do art. Thank you.
BTW I always find it funny that people leave negative comments and never leave their name. It's that form of cowardice that drives me nuts.
Very nice job!
I'm an artist too, and I've tried to make (in a very reduced scale) what u where doing. The subject, and the way of painting or drawing it seems to change w every kind of drug (even between kinds of liquor). I used to be a former lawyer, but at my 30's I've decided to change my life despite what any people would say.
So, I loved your work, and don't pay attention to someone who says that you need more than 5 minutes to draw something... This people doesn't know w they're talking about.
If u want to exchange art experiences let me know.
from anonymous to anonymous, this is not a waste of time as everyone else TELLS you it is, he is going about showing first hand the effects of different drugs on the human mind from a first person perspective, this is essential in understanding what makes us human, and how the mind determines how we think, who we are, and what we do. so keep on doing what everyone else TELLS you to do while the grown ups keep discovering and learning about the world around them.
Thank you for helping others know what it means to suffer by understanding yourself. How else can the message of what a drug is versus what a medicine is be delivered in a therapeutic way?
To anon who made the comment about Absinthe. Go to Europe, drink a glass of 80 proof Absinthe, and tell me if it's like having 2 beers. Van Gogh drank Absinthe almost his whole adult life and created some of the most beautiful paintings in the world.
Absinthe has no psychoactive effects beyond that of alcohol; thujone, the supposed other psychoactive ingredient, isn't. Google it if you don't believe this anonymous commenter.
Buspar doesn't do anything at all, either; it's an anti-anxiety medication that is little better than placebo. I have a big bottle of them sitting by me, and I took them for a month before telling my psych they didn't do shit. I don't know why anyone would snort one.
In short, this guy is a great artist, but either doesn't know anything about drugs or is just making this stuff up.
Anon, smoke a bowl and chill the fuck out. jesus christ cant you feel it? cant you feel how everything we've been natured and nurtured on is subjective and not the only way you should be looking at things? shiiiiut.
please we wan't to see you on peyote (or peyotl).
For the person who said the artist probably doesn't know a lot of about drugs, take it from someone who has been around a lot of people on drugs (I work in entertainment) when I say that people will snort, smoke, and eat just about any drug, even if it wasn't meant to be ingested in the way in which it was. Just take a look at the Erowid website if you don't believe me; it's full of people doing interesting things with the drugs they've got on hand.
All this aside, I think the portraits are amazing and I want to see them live in a gallery show at some point; I'm certain that the digital photographs/scans don't do them as much justice as seeing them in person would.
I'm from Hungary, the Slovakian and the Czech Absynt is psycho-active contains Artemisia absinthium like in good ol' 1900 days...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artemisia_absinthium
go on Saunders
Can anyone explain why when asked about acid, he says he did it a couple times and it was shitty. So why does he go on to say later that he needs to draw on LSD?
To the last anonymous (1/21/11 @ 5:34 PM),
I think he was trying to say that in his area, none of the LSD is strong/pure enough to induce a full-blown trip -- with the implication that he would be willing to incorporate decent acid into his experiment should any present itself.
I love the perspective on art saunders. He really captures the feelings on each of the drugs. Wonderful idea.
It takes me back to stumbling about,
Screaming in silence inside and out,
Tears, fears, wasted years,
Finding nothing and everything's wierd,
Wonder why wonder how, what have I forgotten now?
This work, this work, this work,
It's not your WalMart world!
What an excellent artist! Thanks Bryan!
wow, ppl on the internet sure are mean these days.
this is all beautiful, and sometimes beautifully grotesque (such as life!). truly, this is some of the most honest and unflinching self-exploration as well as being an exploration of society, considering that in this day and age (at least in western society), we ARE often nurtured towards taking drugs, whether overtly through modern medicine or covertly through social/cultural influences.
to the person who doesn't believe he really took the substances...i suggest you take another look at this art. whilst doing so, keep in mind that even small amounts of a substance has an effect on our consciousness and perception. just because the effects of the drug are not strong and in the forefront doesn't mean that the consciousness change doesn't happen. and we don't necessarily have to be totally zonked to perceive that change. in my experience also, art and music (much like meditation) can increase your awareness if taken with the correct intentions.
PS--just for the record, i have continued to feel the after effects of nitrous for up to 45 minutes after taking a small hit. even though the most apparent effects might fade within a few moments, the after effects are longer lasting than most ppl give credit for and still contain the nature of the drug.
Somebody get this man some good acid, and soon. If provided with an address or P.O. box I'd be surprised if some generous donor didn't send some right over.
cool idea but the work is meh
^^forgot to finish his sentence...he must have meant, "cool idea but the work is mehhllltting my mind!"
Delightful stuff. Biad.
This man has some serious willpower. To paint while high and not be absorbed with the larger world demonstrates that.
Sensitive, fragile, attune. RAVISHING. To what extent he's actually felt the effects of these drugs the way we have, we'll never know. To those who haven't felt these drugs, this depiction is visceral; truthful. He's obviously an individual who's spent enough painstaking time alone to articulate the neurosis' of a sober mind, and elucidate a drug-imbued one with his visual mastery.
The dude's fucking legit!
This is not real to many drug effects not true. You guys are douchbags that think hes amazing. he is a junkie
To Anon Jan 31, 2011 12:59PM:
I can tell you today is a beautiful day since it is sunny, birds are chirping, I just got paid, and I've got a date later with a gorgeous woman. You, on the other hand, might think today is terrible because your mother just died or Egypt is on the brink of revolution. Everything is all a matter of perspective, especially with drugs. Always. Don't downplay or simplify the human psyche just because you've never felt a certain way. THAT is how a douchebag thinks.
Yo anon Jan 31 5:35pm... that's the truth man. It doesn't matter if you like the guys work or not, you've gotta respect the fact that he's doing it. And respect the opinions or other, even if you don't agree. Douchebags are ignorant haters!
So beautiful, things like this just make me ache...
Ah contrarians.....Your weakness lies in your thought that your opinions matter. They don't. There are way greater things going on in this world, and clinging to your judgement is your way of dealing with your own inadequacies. Open up your eyes, and try and enjoy a different perspective!
The work is really interesting but I also think some of what the work seems to show he might be feeling is not really a result of what he ingested...he took very low doses of many of the opiates and a half gram of cocaine is nothing to call home about, it certainly wouldn't turn most people into a cocaine devil monster. Probably what impacted the drawings further was taking something different everyday and getting very little sleep. If he really wanted to document the effects of these things singularly he would have spaced out their consumption. Also it is difficult to believe he has no acid worth taking around him yet he takes something like an ambien or zoloft which basically do nothing.
I love this art. you should have some after just smoking a lot of weed I bet you would make great work
While Id be a hypocrite to say i completely opposed drugs, i enjoy good weed and the occasional hallucinogenic, But i completely oppose the misuse of prescription drugs, as well as the harder drugs like heroin, meth, blah blah blah. Do you think that this art encourages people to try what can destroy lives? Not everyone has your uh, focus and purpose i guess you can call it. However, to those who blindly oppose this project, its his life, he seems happy, and as long as hes not gettin plastered and hitting the streets, causing accidents, why stop? He clearly knows the damages it does to his body, and hes creating something
It's too bad that even with such an amazing body of work like this, various "anonymous" people still consider this man some sort of neanderthal natural selection experiment. Sure I don't necessarily condone the use of ALL drugs, but this man obviously knows what he's doing. And having done a few of these drugs myself, I can respect him for even being capable of gathering what he considers his "self" and portraying it visually. Fucking mind blowing.
@1st Anon read it, you stupid monkey.
http://www.theatlanticwire.com/features/view/feature/Smart-People-Do-More-Drugs-Because-of-Evolution-2425
Dude's crazy, I'd never have the courage to do something like that myself.. and yet I'm sourcing him as inspiration for one of my pieces...
"You see today we live in a narcissistic and obsessive culture, totally overflowing with drugs" He puts down the American culture but what is more narcissistic and obsessive than doing drugs day after day and drawing yourself? You want to do drugs and make 8,000 doodles of yourself? Go ahead, just dont expect me to call you a productive member of society
dont lose fate in acid.
Anon, you sir are the close-minded peace of shit who has helped contribute to the innevitable fall of our society.This man obviously is thinking freely, and instead of turning to a life of crime (as an effect of being high) has turned to art,and in turn is contributing to society. Look at Freud, Einstein, Nietschze, and tons and tons of other mature contributing members of society, who have been drug users. People like you sir are the people who are forgotten as soone as they die, or before then in your case. You are nothing special being a working class hero, with his nose in the air is not something to desire or mimic. You are the chimpanzee pick fleas of another chimpanzees ass because it is whats expected.However the few who do branch out will go on to greater things than to live with a stinky herd of flea pickers.
not really sure why he's referring to acid and LSD as two separate drugs; I'm pretty sure they're the same thing...
I myself have expirimented a great deal with various drugs. I am also studying psychology and I find this artwork expiriment very intriguing.But, BLS, you need to take it slow. work you're way up on doses and don't just go crazy or u will die.I don't personally believe this is not the best choice a person can make for themself, but I understand why you like doing this expiriment.
Brian Lewis Saunders, you surely do have a great pencil touch, but unfortunately, you seem to be misunderstanding just one thing : by making self portraits under drugs influences, you are making apologies of them, not of yourself or your face. You might have just one look on your self portraits to catch their unsanity and forgive you for only one thing : style and pencil touch. Besides, your drawings earn devil unsanity dude, and I'm being rude for the love I gt for your quality and the technic inspiration you gave to me. The rest is pure insanity! ByeBye
But , the cocaine one is wonderfully smooth Brian
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